Why yes, Twilight SUCKS

So I watched the movie while I was bored one rainy day awhile back.  Luckily I had a knitting project involving numbers and counting and such so I didn’t stab myself in the eyes.  Because it really was -that- bad.

I keep reading all these wonderful reviews about how horrible the book is.  I -still- wanted to see for myself, for some reason.

Four chapters in and I see that there is no exaggeration whatsoever coming from Twilight haters.

It’s like a bad accident.  A mild headache and eyestrain, four chapters later and I -still- can’t look away.  It’s horrible.  Where do I start?

– I am so sick and tired of Bella whining about the rain

– And the snow, that lasted… fuck if I know, two days?

– I’m sick of hearing about how PRETTY Edward is

– I’m sick of the weather.  It’s not important enough to write -that- much about it.  Seriously.

– Bella is a bit shallow

– Bella is boring

– Bella is clumsy.  There’s mention of her clumsiness just as much, if not more so than how pretty Edward is.  Clumsy is fine but I’m sick of hearing about it.

– Bella is… popular? How can she be popular? She’s so boring and fucking -plain-.  Is it just because she was in that accident? What? Why are there THREE guys asking her out? Are they losers too and they think she’s their own chance?

– Has Meyers ever heard of “show, don’t tell?” or even “show and tell?”

– With that said, as she ever heard of “editing”? Shhh, it’s okay, Meyers… I know, editing is scary.  It’s a lot of hard work.  *petpet* I’ve been loosing a lot of hair trying to edit just -one- of my books.

– Fourish chapters in and I’m seeing no plot.  The only thing that might pass as plot is Edward’s mysterious beauty. And the “plot” thickens when he saves her life, displaying what she believes to be superhuman strength and superhuman speed.

-Speaking of superhuman, why hasn’t Bella made any guesses as to how Edward saved her? I know Meyer has butchered the myth of vampires, but FUCK, can’t she just playfully think for a moment “DERR He’s a vampire! NOT” or something similar?  (she might have and I just missed it)

– I don’t feel anything for Bella but annoyance.  I don’t want to root for her.  I don’t want her to be with Edward in any way because it just seems like he’s jerking her around on a chain and she’s letting him (one day he’s smiling and talking to her nicely, the next she would be dead if looks could kill).  I want to yell or laugh at her.  And I don’t mean in a good way.  And I certainly can’t relate to her.  I wasn’t a typical teenage girl, so maybe that’s what I’m something I’m lacking.

– Bella may be a 17 year old but she doesn’t -read- like a 17 year old.  She sounds like a dingy old housewife.  There’s one phrase she used that I didn’t understand that sounded pretty old (fuck if I can find it again, don’t make me re-read or even skim for it) and another one that I recognized but have heard very few people say, and they’re older people.  If she’s going to read/talk/sound like a mature, older person, at least make the rest of her match the maturity level >.>

– Bella is immature and annoying.  Like a teenager.  I guess this isn’t really a valid complaint since it’s about a teenager.

– Wait… how much time has passed since the story started? 1 month? a few weeks? half a dozen weeks? One night? OMG I’M SO CONFUSED! I had to go back and read a couple pages just to try to find out WTF was going on.  I think I have low reading comprehension (read: poor attention span), but usually if I go back, I can find what got me so lost in the first place.

– Edward comes across as a cocky bipolar or possibly someone with DID.  Fuck you, Edward.  You’re not cool.  The only thing you have going for you is your ZOMG!!eleventy1! prettyness.

OMG.  Is that all the complaints?

One complaint from many Twilight haters I noticed was how readily she turns down all these guys trying to ask her out.  She didn’t want to go to the dance, period.  Because she’s clumsy (mentioned in one way or another constantly).  It wasn’t like she was going at it from a “I’m too good for you/I’m saving myself for Edward” thing.  So I side with Bella on that one.  I would have done the same thing in HS (or possibly even now, I just don’t dance).

And that’s just the surface level stuff.  I haven’t looked into the whole misogynist side of things.  I usually don’t notice that kind of stuff unless its glaringly obvious.  I did notice that Bella took on the typical housewife role with her father, but that was after reading about it from a hater.

Seriously.  The movie could have been better.  The book can be better.

In fact, I’m inspired to write one myself that’ll be 5 times less dull and more believable, just to prove how much Twilight sucks.  It won’t be a direct rip off of characters and plot (what plot?) but it will be inspired from it.  And have lots of things in common.  Like Harry potter has elements in common with Star Wars.  *nod*

And before anybody thinks I don’t have a right to complain about poor writing because they’ve read my writing and have found it to be even worse than Meyer’s I say: At least I admit it.  At least I didn’t try to publish it.  At least I’m willing to listen to criticism (not that I’ve ever gotten any).  At least I never claimed my writings were good.  At least I’ve been improving.  I’ve been working -hard- for the past few years to improve my writing and its just now starting to show.

Yes, every story and book attempt has pretty much been a completel failure.  My short stories, especially.  The writing was poor, the characters flat, the plots just… suck.  Everything.

Oh… it’s the middle of NaNo and suddenly I want to play for the book to cleanse my mind of Twilight…

So all in all: I can see how this book can be appealing.  Honestly I do.  It’s -almost- appealing.  It’s just horribly written with horrible characters.  If I had bought this (because I love YA and fantasy) I would have been crying at the loss of my rarely earned money.

*ETA*  I leave you with a quote from the book:

Did you get contacts?” I blurted out unthinkingly.

Tad Williams = New favorite author

Today at a used book store, I picked up Ted Williams’ Otherland. I almost can’t put it down! Only reason why I am putting it down a lot (and only a few pages in) is because I’m all excited about my own writing.

Not only is this book showing me that I’m actually -not- doing it wrong, its showing me what I’m missing in my own writing. I’ll call this figurative writing for now. Because that makes sense in my head.

After not getting much book reading in for the past several years other that JK Rowling and Lemony Snicket and a spattering of other mostly mediocre stuff, I’m eating this up like I’ve been in the desert for 10 years. He writes in the person that I write, and all that jazz. So its nice have a role model. Or something.

So I’m all inspired now and rewriting the beginning to book #1. Not a -complete- rewrite, mind. I just want it to match what I’ve been recently rewriting. I can now view my books with a lot more confidence.

*SQUEE*